So much depends on the heart--

"If Jesus were in this room, what would he say?"

A common question from parents and Sunday school teachers to kids when they're misbehaving. Whenever it was asked of me, I had it in my head that Jesus sat in the corner, quietly observing, not saying anything unless asked and then he spoke short proverbial phrases.

Now that I'm a bit older than eight and I've had more time to understand the Jesus in the Bible, I realize that the question is fairly open ended, as it should be. Especially when it comes to matters that aren't specifically addressed in Scripture. When we need guidance, our natural tendency as humans is to want a straight answer. I've often wished I could hear Jesus' audible responses to my questions. How much TV is too much? Should we or shouldn't we use birth control? How much do we need to give to be considered generous givers?

I'm not a parent, but as I've watched friends and family parent their children over the years, I've realized how different kids are from each other, and how differently they respond to love and discipline. A parent knows what each child needs--the content and the delivery of it.

It occurred to me last night that Jesus appears to be the same way. You see this in the way he relates to disciples, to the sick, to the poor, to anyone he comes in contact with. His actions vary widely depending on each of their situations because all of us are different people. He communicates to each of us differently. When it comes to matters that are not commandments (because I do believe there is a right and a wrong and the important commandments are addressed in Scripture) what's right for me may not be right for you. It all depends on our personalities and our relationship with God.

So for example, if Jesus came to visit you, would he enter your living room and suggest you turn off the TV? Maybe. Maybe not. I think he might ask if you're distracted from him because of it. Or if you're distracted from people because of it.

As Paul says, we have freedom in Christ. Freedom to eat or not to eat. Freedom to watch TV or not to watch TV. Freedom to give what we've been convicted by the Spirit to give.

--So much depends on the heart.

The Big Security Guy in the Sky

I was the nerdy one. I spent my high school and elementary school days stressing over both menial and major assignments, perfecting every last detail from the name at the top of the page to the alignment of bullet points. If I made a mistake on a piece of notebook paper in the first few lines, I'd throw it out and start a new one, just because crossed out words made the page look messy.

My perfectionism, combined with my fear of authority, landed me the accidental role of teacher's pet, which ruined my life. No one asked me if I wanted to be the teacher's pet. No one wants to be the teacher's pet. But someone somewhere decided that all teachers should prey on their favorite student, and so at some point some teacher appreciated my maddening inability to break the rules and made an example of me to the class that used to like me. And the cycle continued every year.

Social suicide. I am a victim.

To this day I still cannot break rules. I don't like to talk in the middle of a church service and I don't like to speed (more than 5 miles over) and I don't like to take carry-ons that don't fit in the airline's designated sizer-upper even though they accept baggage a lot bigger than that and even if they don't, you can check it for free at the ramp.

So you can imagine how the following situation almost had me running for solitary confinement.

Jonathan and I had friends stay with us in London over the summer in 2008. On the first day they visited, Jonathan informed me that Anne Hathaway and the actor who goes by "The Rock" (does anyone know his real name?) would be at the Apple store (where Jonathan worked) that afternoon. Jonathan was working that day. My friends and I got there late, so as we walked into the crowd--which was small considering there were two famous actors speaking--I took my camera out of the bag so I'd be prepared when we found a good angle. Just as I pulled the camera out of its case, I noticed a significant sign placed in front of the crowd. On it were written two significant words:

NO PICTURES

I immediately began to put my camera away. By immediately, I mean I really couldn't put it away fast enough for my liking... and as it turned out, for somebody else's liking, either. Someone else had noticed my camera. The big scary Apple security guys. They immediately headed in my direction. They were the biggest meanest men I've ever seen. The crowd started whispering and pointing. With palms sweating and voice trembling, I tried to explain that I had seen the sign after I had pulled out my camera, and had put it away immediately afterwards, but apparently they don't teach forgiveness at Security Guy School. They told me I would have to be escorted out.

At that moment, some of Jonathan's friends noticed the crowd disturbance. They nudged him and told him someone was getting in trouble for taking pictures. They all craned their necks and laughed until Jonathan said in disbelief, "That's my wife!" He was just as surprised as I was that I was getting in trouble for something--and something big enough for security guys.

Thankfully Jonathan vouched for me and I didn't have to leave the store. I got to listen to the actors respond in the question and answer session. For all of the trouble, I wasn't all that impressed. But at least my name was cleared and the red in my face eventually faded.

I could litter this blog with stories like that--stories that explain who I was and who I'm growing to be. I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to remember them and to analyze them for their deeper implications. For example, this story says interesting things about the way I see God. I've begun to realize recently that I like to follow rules in my faith life just as much as in other parts of my life. I've had to ask myself a difficult question:

Do I really love God, or do I obey because he's the big security guy in the sky?

I don't know the answer yet. But I'm thankful that Jesus has already vouched for me.

Angry Conversations with God (and contest!)

Many spiritual memoirs or biographies I've read are crafted like a novel or a major blockbuster. What I mean is that the camera focuses in on a slice of life from the protagonist's life, usually when they make a big mistake or struggle with some kind of conflict. The story moves effortlessly along as the plot is seeded with hints of divine guidance along the way, and eventually the protagonist's eyes are opened and God's redemption of their struggles is visible in their lifetime. In most of these books the conclusion wraps the whole story up into a big tidy bow that's meant to be inspirational.

But often I don't find these stories inspirational because I don't relate to them. I think most people's lives read more like an epic--a rambling, messy, confusing maze of interconnections and surprises and dead ends and scenic views that ultimately lead to the one thing we can't live without: God's grace.

If you're looking for a book like this, I've found it: Angry Conversations with God is by actress/comedian/screenwriter/author Susan E Isaacs. It's her story of taking God to couple's counseling as she deals with the one thing every relationship must come to terms with: what it means to love God not just for the better, but for the worse. She, like me, grew up Lutheran but tries out many different forms of the American Christian church and becomes disillusioned, confused about the extent of God's involvement in her decisions. When her life falls apart outwardly, she decides to take God with her to a counselor. Together they confront God about his love and will in her life.

You may be thinking it sounds edgy, heretical, even a bit blasphemous. But after a lifetime of wrestling with God, Susan's foresight into God's purpose for her life is meaningful, funny, shocking, convicting and comforting because it's told from the perspective of a real person in the real world. She writes honestly and painfully about her life experiences to come to terms with one of the greatest obstacles in our Christian life: what it means to have faith when you can't always see the big tidy bow at the end.

So here's the thing: I've been given four copies of Susan's book to give away FOR FREE on my blog! All you have to do to win is to be one of the first four to comment about what you'd tell God if you took him to couple's counseling.

Susan's book came out March 12 and is published by Hachette Book Group's FaithWords division. You can buy it on Amazon.

Dear Mom

Although most of me (the emotional part) is upset, I'm also really confused about your news. i've racked my brain for the last day and a half trying to figure out what good this is doing anyone, especially considering you've already had the most stressful year of your life. i know it's not for me to ask why, and i know i'll never know why... but WHY? i want to be able to know exactly who/what this is benefitting because you've suffered more than many people ever will even once in their lifetime.

the other part of me (the deeper, rational, thinking part of me) realizes that God did not cause this--we caused this with our sin and by virtue of the fact that we live in a fallen world. which means that God's only role in this is intervention--with grace. so this other part of me is awed and amazed that he loves you so much that he steps in and hires doctors to speak and act on his behalf so that you're cared for in the best possible way.

i also wonder about the coincidences--that in the past couple of years, the music department, you, and lisa have all undergone incredible spiritual attacks, and i wonder if this is just another one. which leads me to a completely different question--what amazing things is God planning to accomplish through you that satan is so threatened by? even if it's not a Peace music plan, but a family plan, or a whirled peas plan, or any other kind of plan that will change the Kingdom for his purposes, all of this seems to point to one conclusion:

there must be something that you're doing right.

even if that one thing is just trusting him and then telling everyone you know at every chance you get what amazing things God is doing through these situations, it's a powerful thing. worship is about proclaiming God's goodness, power, faithfulness and love. and you've had more chances to do that within the last eight years than probably ever before.

now, don't hear me wrong--i'm still completely disillusioned by your news and still confused and will probably still ask "why" even after it's over and done with. but more than anything, I'm thankful that I have a mom like you who, after experiencing two bouts of breast cancer, having the worst year of her life (and separated by an ocean from her only daughter and son-in-law), and then, on top of it all, hearing that she needs brain surgery to remove a tumor, says to me, "I feel loved by God." honestly mom, nothing has changed my perception of suffering and God's love and challenged my faith more than those words. i wish i had your faith, but am so humbled that i can have a first-row seat to witness it.

i love you, mom. my prayers and heart are with you, even though I can't be there in person. but soon, very soon, I will see you!

amy

Myself as Character

For the past few weeks my fiction class has been learning about characterization. One of the principles my lecturer has taught us is the need to discover our character's Grand Trio: the character's deepest need, greatest flaw and greatest strength. While the grand trio isn't an end all to characters (there will be times in a character's life when the 'grand trio' seems to contradict itself) these three things are often what motivates a person, whether the person exists on a page or in the real-life time and space of our tangible universe.

Consequentially, I've found myself picking out the grand trio in myself. My strengths and flaws have seemed to change over the years, but I'm fairly certain that my greatest need has remained the same: to be validated. I've always known I was a people-pleaser, but never realized it went so deep--that it's at the core of my motivation. It's as if I've never felt quite good enough on my own and use the people around me as a mirror to gauge my self-worth. When I'm relocated to a new phase or location of life (physical or emotional) I have a tendency to set down roots by pinpointing the familiar landmarks I need--people I designate as my worth-giving idols. I set them as the standard I strive for. And when it's time to move my nomadic life again, I pack the idols in my bag and carry them with me to the next phase of life. It certainly isn't the easiest way of going about life. I sweat and shake under the weight of my luggage and when I finally arrive in my new home, it's too cluttered with chintzy ideals to set up anything of substance. It's a scary thing to acknowledge my fragile dependency; one harsh word or criticism has the power to send my identity toppling to its death. Funny how the things we're most afraid of happening must happen for our own good.

A few months ago the unthinkable happened: I fell. The people I had relied on to validate my feelings, actions, and worth were gone. Some of them were out of reach, some of them disappointed me, but mostly I grew up and realized I had placed my hope in imperfect people and standards. I thought I would lose everything.

As I spun through the air, that's when God reminded me who he was. He told me he loved me and that he always would, and he asked me to trust his arms. At first I didn't want to. I'm stubborn and always will be, and God knew he had to get my attention in a big way. As the ground drew nearer the air blew by faster and one by one he gently peeled back my fisted fingers, asking, pleading me to let go and when we were inches from the canyon bottom I finally did; I let go. I looked down at my hands in amazement and saw that they weren't empty--enclosed in them were his hands, holding me safely above the ground.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Focus on the ?

Tonight my pastor asked the congregation what we are slaves to. He said we should ask ourselves two questions to find the answer:

1. When you're alone, what do you day dream about?
2. What do you most fear losing in your life?

I hate to admit that my first reaction to the second question is something I shouldn't be afraid of: that someone in my immediate family will die. Of course this is a ridiculous fear, because inevitably, one day it will be realized. And I shouldn't fear death because for Christians, death doesn't win. Still, the pain I'll experience after the death of a loved one scares me out of my mind.

Most people, especially Christians, agree that family is an irreplaceable gift from God. I 100% heartily agree. I love my family far and above life. But I wonder, now--am I a slave to the love of family?

I hear from the pulpit, from Christian radio, from books, CD's, psychologists and church workers that family is more important than anything else. First priority. But when my single friend from church, the one who is in her thirties with no children, tells me that she dreads Christmas because so much emphasis is placed on it as a "family holiday" I wonder--has our Christian society placed the ideal family on a pedestal worthy of our worship, like our secular society has done with money, success, power, and achievement? I worry about the people in our midst who will never have the "perfect" family, or in fact, a family at all. People who have grown up with parents that hurt them, or have entered into marital relationships they now want nothing to do with. Parents who love their children, discipline their children, and ask God "why?" when the same kids turn to drugs, gangs, sex, eating disorders or whatever it is they escape to. What about them?

God is the creator of the family unit. God communicates the beauty of grace through family. Family relationships are another way to understand our relationship to Him. But I'm reminded of the times in Scripture when God reminds us that, although family relationships are important, just like all things on this side of heaven, they change, grow, deteriorate, and eventually, die.

When families are given to us, they're gifts, and should be treated like the gifts they are, rather than taken for granted. But at the same time, I wonder if we should focus more on God's entire family, on the Church as a family, so that we keep our eyes on the heavenly Kingdom Jesus had in mind. I just wonder.

Twu Wuv and Maiwwage

I've been placed in an interesting position this year. Jonathan, being the loving, devoted, dedicated husband he is, gave up his financially stable ambition to be a DCE so that I could pursue my dream of earning a Masters degree in London. As a result he works at Apple and is the baconwinner that brings home the bread for the family (I've never understood those phrases--breadwinner? bringing home the bacon? what? why not the other way around?) Anyway I'm extremely thankful he has a job he loves, working with such an organized, creative, innovative company.

But back to my interesting position. Since I'm a full-time student, I don't have a job this year. For the first time in our marriage I'm relying on Jonathan to support me financially, and to be honest, it messes with my mind a bit. I can empathize with women who lived in the days when only the men worked, and the women served the men. It's extremely easy to fall into a pit of guilt. It's too easy to believe that you owe your husband something, since he provides monetarily for the family. I can understand how the position can enslave a woman, regardless of what her husband tells her. (For the record, Jonathan does not do anything or say anything that makes me feel this way, I breed my own feelings about the situation.)

Interestingly, guilt isn't the only thing I feel. I also feel more grateful towards him. I feel like he's giving me a priceless gift, this year of devoting myself to writing. As a result, I am motivated to serve him more, to show him that I'm not taking his gift for granted.

I guess these are the natural responses to receiving any gift we don't deserve.

my apologies. . .

lately i've been suffering bouts of guilt for not keeping up with my blog. it's really not what i want it to be, not reaching its potential, as a teacher might say.

but lately i've been suffering bouts of guilt for everything. the enemy's been laying it on thick, and i haven't been able to muster my way through the fog of regret surrounding me. it's difficult to be rational. it's true that Christmas business, family health problems, scheduling, work stress, church stress, etc has been heavy this year, but i'm blowing it extravagantly out of proportion. i shoulder burdens i'm not responsible for, i feel particularly untalented and ungainly at life,

and through it all, i noticed the other day that Christmas has a deeper meaning for me this year. i wish i could explain it in words, but it's more of an impression. i've taken more ownership of preparing my heart for Christ.

maybe that's why the guilt? it's hard to tell. but i would like to say that this blog will soon be up to par, and until then, i won't let guilt smother incarnated grace.

Grace Is Not. . .

I feel judged when I try to obey Christ. Now, before that's interpreted as an egotistical, Pharisitical phrase, let me clarify and say that my frustration has absolutely nothing to do with my attempts to live a perfect life. It has everything to do with my trust in a Savior that enables me to lean on grace. And as an example of my need for mercy, sometimes I have angry words I need to get rid of, and now's one of those times.

Heaven forbid I try to live my life to please Christ, to bear fruit, lest it be considered as an effort to attain salvation!

I think my frustrations came about when my eyes were first opened to the differences in denominational beliefs, and the different attitudes that came about from a particular emphasis or perspective on God. I suddenly noticed that cheap grace does exist. People actually lift up what they call "works" to a place of sin, almost making the assumption that if anyone makes an effort to bear fruit in their life, to obey Christ, then they don't have a proper understanding of grace. Has it gotten to the point that, I hate to say it, but, obedience is sinful? If so, what does it mean to suck the blood of Jesus and live by his flesh, if nothing changes as a result of him in our life?

I am motivated by love, therefore I seek restoration. Grace is both my reason and strength, but it is not the end. It is what holds the universe together, but it is not the meaning. It is the solution and power that enables us to keep on keeping on, to persevere, to encourage, to be strong . . . but when grace comes to its full fruition, it is because we have come to understand love in its fullest, most eternal capacity: we will worship face to face with our Creator--the God of the Universe, the God of us, the God of Love.