Dear Mom

Although most of me (the emotional part) is upset, I'm also really confused about your news. i've racked my brain for the last day and a half trying to figure out what good this is doing anyone, especially considering you've already had the most stressful year of your life. i know it's not for me to ask why, and i know i'll never know why... but WHY? i want to be able to know exactly who/what this is benefitting because you've suffered more than many people ever will even once in their lifetime.

the other part of me (the deeper, rational, thinking part of me) realizes that God did not cause this--we caused this with our sin and by virtue of the fact that we live in a fallen world. which means that God's only role in this is intervention--with grace. so this other part of me is awed and amazed that he loves you so much that he steps in and hires doctors to speak and act on his behalf so that you're cared for in the best possible way.

i also wonder about the coincidences--that in the past couple of years, the music department, you, and lisa have all undergone incredible spiritual attacks, and i wonder if this is just another one. which leads me to a completely different question--what amazing things is God planning to accomplish through you that satan is so threatened by? even if it's not a Peace music plan, but a family plan, or a whirled peas plan, or any other kind of plan that will change the Kingdom for his purposes, all of this seems to point to one conclusion:

there must be something that you're doing right.

even if that one thing is just trusting him and then telling everyone you know at every chance you get what amazing things God is doing through these situations, it's a powerful thing. worship is about proclaiming God's goodness, power, faithfulness and love. and you've had more chances to do that within the last eight years than probably ever before.

now, don't hear me wrong--i'm still completely disillusioned by your news and still confused and will probably still ask "why" even after it's over and done with. but more than anything, I'm thankful that I have a mom like you who, after experiencing two bouts of breast cancer, having the worst year of her life (and separated by an ocean from her only daughter and son-in-law), and then, on top of it all, hearing that she needs brain surgery to remove a tumor, says to me, "I feel loved by God." honestly mom, nothing has changed my perception of suffering and God's love and challenged my faith more than those words. i wish i had your faith, but am so humbled that i can have a first-row seat to witness it.

i love you, mom. my prayers and heart are with you, even though I can't be there in person. but soon, very soon, I will see you!



Jen Mc. said...

This is utterly beautiful. Thank you, Amy's Mama, for your testimony of grace and faith! It is a GOOD God that we worship.

Katie said...

hey amy....i still like to check in on this blogspot and this one was pretty touching. i'll keep her in my prayers and know that i still think about you!!!